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class="content-area no-sidebar"><main id="main" class="be-main site-main p-em" role="main"><article id="post-143346" class="post-item post ms"><header class="entry-header entry-header-c"><h1 class="entry-title">真人案例丨為什么99%的離婚都是因?yàn)樾∈拢?/h1></header><div id="wsstnmvt" class="entry-content"><div id="wsstnmvt" class="begin-single-meta begin-single-meta-c"><span id="wsstnmvt" class="single-meta-area"><span id="wsstnmvt" class="meta-date"><time datetime="2024-11-20 03:52:51">2024年11月20日</time></span><span id="wsstnmvt" class="meta-cat"><a href="http://www.motor-park.com.cn/wanhuiganqing/" rel="category tag">挽回愛(ài)情</a></span><span id="wsstnmvt" class="comment"><a href="http://www.motor-park.com.cn/143346.html#respond"><i class="be be-speechbubble ri"></i><span id="wsstnmvt" class="comment-qa"></span><em>評(píng)論</em></a></span><span id="wsstnmvt" class="views"><i class="be be-eye ri"></i>177</span><span id="wsstnmvt" class="word-time"></span></span></div><span id="wsstnmvt" class="s-hide" title="側(cè)邊欄"><span id="wsstnmvt" class="off-side"></span></span><div id="wsstnmvt" class="single-content"><div id="wsstnmvt" class="bpp-post-content"> </span><p>挽回前任 | 挽救婚姻 | 分離小三</span><span id="wsstnmvt" class="beupset54">文章源自懂愛(ài)網(wǎng)-http://www.motor-park.com.cn/143346.html</span><p>關(guān)注<p>指導(dǎo)老師 | 曹勇責(zé)編 |小埋</span><p>林加和賀達(dá)16歲那年就認(rèn)識(shí)了，念了同一所高中，又考入同一所大學(xué)，同窗7年。他們從高中時(shí)期就是好朋友，日常喜歡比成績(jī)。</span>兩人本以為這輩子睡到一張床上都不會(huì)對(duì)彼此有什么想法的，可還是在不知不覺(jué)中愛(ài)上了對(duì)方。</span><p>最開(kāi)始，賀達(dá)害怕跟林加表白失敗，連朋友都沒(méi)得做，一直不敢行動(dòng)。</span>大學(xué)畢業(yè)時(shí)，害怕錯(cuò)過(guò)的他才終于鼓起勇氣跟林加表白了，令他驚喜的是，林加欣然答應(yīng)了。</span><p>畢業(yè)后，林加和賀達(dá)一起回了家鄉(xiāng)就業(yè)，不同的是，林加在市里的某事業(yè)單位，而賀達(dá)在縣里的某事業(yè)單位。為了方便，</span>賀達(dá)在縣里買(mǎi)了套房子。</span>兩人因?yàn)橹挥兄苣┮?jiàn)得著，就決定在周末同居了。</span><p></span><p>林加和賀達(dá)</span>家庭條件相當(dāng)，工作也都比較穩(wěn)定體面，所以雙方父母知道他們?cè)谝黄鹨膊欢嗾f(shuō)什么，默默支持著，過(guò)年過(guò)節(jié)還會(huì)相互走動(dòng)。</span><p>都說(shuō)同居是情侶的一個(gè)坎，他們也不例外。在學(xué)校時(shí)，兩人對(duì)成績(jī)的比較給了彼此動(dòng)力，讓他們擁有了體面的工作。而在同居生活后，兩人的這種比較、爭(zhēng)斗，卻給他們帶來(lái)了無(wú)盡的麻煩。</span><p>林加對(duì)居住環(huán)境要求很高，而賀達(dá)卻不太在意這些細(xì)節(jié)。于是，兩人為家里的衛(wèi)生標(biāo)準(zhǔn)按誰(shuí)的習(xí)慣來(lái)爆發(fā)了無(wú)數(shù)次爭(zhēng)吵。</span><p>林加常會(huì)指責(zé)賀達(dá)不蓋好馬桶蓋、亂扔襪子、垃圾桶不套袋、水果刀用完不洗、夏天不穿衣服躺沙發(fā)上（理由是汗?jié)n弄到沙發(fā)上很臟</span>）、吃東西吐到桌上不吐到盤(pán)子里......</span><p></span><p>林加一直覺(jué)得自己沒(méi)有任何錯(cuò)，希望賀達(dá)無(wú)條件尊重自己的衛(wèi)生習(xí)慣，并參與到家務(wù)中來(lái)，卻沒(méi)意識(shí)到生冷的語(yǔ)言逐漸冷卻了賀達(dá)的心。</span><p>哪里有壓迫哪里就有反抗，賀達(dá)也不甘示弱，最開(kāi)始是直接用言語(yǔ)反抗，之后直接一副“她橫任她橫，明月照大江，我自巋然不動(dòng)</span>”的做</span>派</span>。</span><p>如果說(shuō)，這樣的事，這樣的爭(zhēng)吵一年來(lái)個(gè)一兩次，也不會(huì)對(duì)他們的感情造成什么大的影響。但可怕的是，小事繁瑣且重復(fù)，他們每天都會(huì)遇到n個(gè)分歧，吵n次。</span><p>但因?yàn)槠綍r(shí)工作日不見(jiàn)面，兩人的隔閡也會(huì)因?yàn)榫嚯x的原因被沖淡，一周結(jié)束時(shí)他們又開(kāi)始期待再一次的見(jiàn)面，然后見(jiàn)面時(shí)又恩愛(ài)如初，再次爭(zhēng)吵，再次產(chǎn)生隔閡。</span><p>這樣“相愛(ài)相殺”的日子，他們一過(guò)就是5年。2016年，林加27歲，賀達(dá)29歲。兩人都到了適婚適育的年齡，想到了同一個(gè)問(wèn)題：我們適合結(jié)婚嗎？</span><p></span><p>賀達(dá)得出的結(jié)論是“不適合”，就跟林加提了分手，林加一聽(tīng)，感到很生氣，以死逼著賀達(dá)</span>和自己去領(lǐng)了結(jié)婚證。然而，其實(shí)她內(nèi)心也不確定是否要和這個(gè)男人走下去，一直背著賀達(dá)吃著避孕藥。</span><p>雙方父母知道他們結(jié)婚，已經(jīng)是2年后他們鬧離婚的時(shí)候。</span><p>結(jié)婚1年后，兩人已經(jīng)到了見(jiàn)面就吵，甚至打架的地步，第2年時(shí)，兩人一直冷戰(zhàn)，很少接觸。而此時(shí)，林加29歲，賀達(dá)31歲。過(guò)了而立之年的賀達(dá)，特別渴望家庭的溫暖。而父母也在催促他要么跟林加結(jié)婚生個(gè)孩子，要么跟林加分手另覓他人。</span><p>賀達(dá)考慮再三，決定跟林加徹底分開(kāi)，放過(guò)自己，也放過(guò)林加。2018年年底，賀達(dá)向林加正式提出了離婚。林加堅(jiān)決不同意離婚，賀達(dá)只好選擇起訴離婚。</span><p>這次無(wú)論林加怎么作鬧，賀達(dá)都不為所動(dòng)，甚至林加以死威脅，他也不聞不問(wèn)。當(dāng)感覺(jué)到自己真的要失去這份感情的時(shí)候，林加才發(fā)現(xiàn)自己深?lèi)?ài)著賀達(dá)，想跟他過(guò)一輩子。她意識(shí)到了自己在這段婚姻中的問(wèn)題，想到了找專(zhuān)業(yè)的挽回機(jī)構(gòu)。</span><p>接手林加的案例時(shí)，賀達(dá)已經(jīng)向法院起訴離婚。林加表現(xiàn)得很焦慮，為了幫她早日挽回婚姻，我首先為她梳理了她在這段感情中存在的問(wèn)題：</span><p>①</span>以自我為中心，缺乏安全感</span><p>由于早年林加父母工作繁忙，無(wú)暇照顧年幼的林加，林加6歲以前都住在爺爺奶奶家。爺爺奶奶無(wú)度的寵愛(ài)使林加養(yǎng)成了驕橫的性格。</span><p>6歲以后，當(dāng)她回到自己家時(shí)，又總是感覺(jué)和父母很生分，害怕再次被拋棄。而父母心中也很愧疚，想要去彌補(bǔ)她，也比較慣著她。</span><p>所以她在與父母相處，與賀達(dá)相處時(shí)，都是以自我為中心的，希望一切都按照自己的想法來(lái)做。一旦當(dāng)有事情不合她的心意的時(shí)候，她就會(huì)覺(jué)得很沒(méi)有安全感，就會(huì)用極端的方式，如吵架、威脅來(lái)逼迫對(duì)方妥協(xié)。</span><p>②</span>錯(cuò)誤的溝通方式</span><p>林加總是會(huì)用批評(píng)抱怨的語(yǔ)氣開(kāi)始談話，比如她想要賀達(dá)幫忙做家務(wù)的時(shí)候，她會(huì)說(shuō)“我看這輩子也不能指望你做家務(wù)了”、“你還真當(dāng)自己是個(gè)大爺嗎”。</span><p>即使當(dāng)賀達(dá)放下面子，試圖用笑話和其他幽默的方式緩解氛圍，她還是會(huì)面無(wú)表情，繼續(xù)抱怨。久而久之，賀達(dá)便不會(huì)再向她示好。而她也會(huì)感覺(jué)自己更加不被愛(ài)護(hù)與尊重，抱怨更多。</span><p>在這樣的惡性循環(huán)里，消極情緒融入了兩人之間的氛圍里，他們從互相批評(píng)抱怨發(fā)展成了互相鄙視挖苦，再變成攻擊辯護(hù)，最后雙方都不愿意面對(duì)彼此，開(kāi)始冷戰(zhàn)。</span><p>③</span>沒(méi)有解決問(wèn)題的意識(shí)</span><p>林加和賀達(dá)相處近9年，彼此經(jīng)常會(huì)因?yàn)橥患虑槌臣??？删褪沁@樣，他們從沒(méi)有想過(guò)管理好情緒，平靜地坐下來(lái)聊一下。他們不明白如果不能調(diào)整彼此的心態(tài)和認(rèn)知，處理好分歧，他們這一輩子都不會(huì)過(guò)得幸福。</span><p>而當(dāng)婚姻瀕臨破裂的時(shí)候，一向強(qiáng)勢(shì)潑辣的林加反而當(dāng)起了逃兵，害怕面對(duì)主動(dòng)找上門(mén)來(lái)的賀達(dá)，害怕發(fā)信息、打電話給賀達(dá)，害怕面對(duì)這份感情的結(jié)局，只想當(dāng)個(gè)逃兵。她想挽回賀達(dá)，卻毫無(wú)章法，毫無(wú)行動(dòng)。</span><p>在讓林加知悉自身存在的問(wèn)題后，我為她制定了專(zhuān)屬的挽回計(jì)劃：</span><p>①</span>拖延時(shí)間讓彼此冷靜</span><p>最開(kāi)始處理林加案子的時(shí)候，賀達(dá)處于情緒十分激動(dòng)的時(shí)期，一直忙著起訴離婚，但因?yàn)樾枰旨由矸葑C復(fù)印件來(lái)提供一些事實(shí)證明，一直主動(dòng)聯(lián)系林加，對(duì)林加惡語(yǔ)相向。</span><p></span><p>我告訴林加，首先她要拖延時(shí)間，一面是讓賀達(dá)冷靜下來(lái)，一面是讓她有時(shí)間向賀達(dá)展示自己的提升變化。</span><p>指導(dǎo)一周時(shí)，賀達(dá)直接到了林加公司樓下堵她，想要拉她去法院。為了拖延時(shí)間，我讓林加跟賀達(dá)說(shuō)：“你先別著急，離婚的事情我會(huì)好好考慮的。我們這么多年的感情，我希望我們能好聚好散，即便要離也沒(méi)有必要鬧上法院，我們協(xié)議離婚就可以了?！辟R達(dá)無(wú)功而返。</span><p>與此同時(shí)，我也想辦法在降低林加的需求感，如阻止她發(fā)消息、送禮物給賀達(dá)，盡量不增加賀達(dá)對(duì)林加的厭惡情緒。</span><p>另外，我也在抓緊時(shí)間給林加上兩性溝通、管理情緒的課程，幫助她調(diào)整認(rèn)知、情緒、心態(tài)，為下一階段的挽回做準(zhǔn)備。</span><p>②</span>疏導(dǎo)對(duì)方積怨</span><p>賀達(dá)對(duì)林加存在很深的積怨，要想幫他們重建親密關(guān)系，就得先幫助賀達(dá)發(fā)泄負(fù)面情緒，讓他能夠以一個(gè)平和的心態(tài)面對(duì)林加。</span><p>指導(dǎo)半月時(shí)，賀達(dá)出現(xiàn)在了林加家樓下，仍然是想要她的身份證復(fù)印件。我依舊指導(dǎo)林加采取迂回戰(zhàn)略，說(shuō)自己的身份證丟了，而且無(wú)論賀達(dá)如何生氣、如何罵她，她都要控制自己的情緒，好好跟他溝通。最后，賀達(dá)還是什么都沒(méi)要到，生氣地回去了。</span><p>又過(guò)了一周時(shí)，賀達(dá)再次以索要身份證復(fù)印件為由，請(qǐng)林加吃飯。我指導(dǎo)林加欣然答應(yīng)，并囑咐她精心打扮自己。</span><p>林加赴約后，仍然說(shuō)自己的身份證丟了。因?yàn)橘R達(dá)是開(kāi)了一個(gè)多小時(shí)車(chē)過(guò)來(lái)的，感到很生氣。但面對(duì)已經(jīng)變得情緒穩(wěn)定、談吐得體的林加時(shí)，態(tài)度比之前要好轉(zhuǎn)很多。</span><p></span><p>而且這次吃完飯后，賀達(dá)一個(gè)多星期沒(méi)有給林加發(fā)消息、也沒(méi)有出現(xiàn)索要身份證復(fù)印件。</span><p>③</span>抓住時(shí)機(jī)進(jìn)行有效溝通</span><p>林加不知道情況是好轉(zhuǎn)好是惡化了，不敢輕舉妄動(dòng)。我就告訴林加現(xiàn)在他差不多已經(jīng)冷靜下來(lái)了，可以聽(tīng)進(jìn)去你說(shuō)的話了，是時(shí)候該你主動(dòng)了。我提出讓林加主動(dòng)去賀達(dá)縣里的家去找他。</span><p>在她去之前我讓她準(zhǔn)備好了10個(gè)不想離婚的理由和一些話術(shù)。我告訴她：“在這個(gè)社會(huì)上，不是你影響對(duì)方，就是對(duì)方影響你。如果你想讓對(duì)方同意不離婚，那么你就得先說(shuō)服自己，自己再去影響對(duì)方?！?/span><p>當(dāng)林加找上門(mén)去時(shí)，賀達(dá)已經(jīng)不像之前那么暴躁了，也沒(méi)有對(duì)她惡語(yǔ)相待。兩人難得的掏心窩子聊了一晚，并順勢(shì)和好了。</span><p>目前，林加的指導(dǎo)期還沒(méi)結(jié)束，老師將繼續(xù)教她提升兩性溝通和情緒管理的能力，幫助她學(xué)會(huì)和老公和平共處，給到老公家的溫暖。</span><p></span><p>導(dǎo)師寄語(yǔ)</span><p>心理治療師克里斯多?！っ显凇队H密關(guān)系》中說(shuō)：“吵架真正的解決方案是，兩人都讓心中的痛苦浮于臺(tái)面，然后用健康的方式來(lái)處理它?！背臣軙r(shí)，切記不要把對(duì)方當(dāng)成敵人，用敵對(duì)的態(tài)度去面對(duì)處理問(wèn)題，因?yàn)檫@樣敵對(duì)的方式會(huì)讓彼此都感到不爽，讓相處進(jìn)入惡性循環(huán)。</span><p></span><p>但如果你能冷靜下來(lái)去分析自己的心理動(dòng)機(jī)，你會(huì)看到“敵人”讓你浮現(xiàn)的是你自己曾經(jīng)的傷痛、懷疑、無(wú)價(jià)值感、孤獨(dú)、寂寞……，當(dāng)你能學(xué)著自己去面對(duì)這些傷痛，讓內(nèi)心成長(zhǎng)，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的價(jià)值感越來(lái)越強(qiáng)，對(duì)另一半也會(huì)更寬容。而另一半也會(huì)在你的帶動(dòng)下成長(zhǎng)起來(lái)，關(guān)系就會(huì)逐漸進(jìn)入良性循環(huán)。</span><p>·END·</span><p>▼</span><p>有一種愛(ài)叫點(diǎn)贊~</span><p>往 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